Writing through turbulence and uncertainty
May the (creative) odds be ever in your favour...
Today’s blog is not what it should have been. I had planned to write about my second experience on an archaeological dig, but seasonal flu (or at least a nasty head cold) found its way into my house and left me feeling too unwell to go.
But as I was sitting on the sofa — cwtched up with tissues, fluffy blankets, and a cinnamon hot chocolate — I started thinking about how the process of writing is far from straightforward. You can have the perfect set-up and a head full of good ideas, yet something will still get in the way.
So how do we write when life is turbulent or so full of uncertainty that we find ourselves devoid of time, peace or inspiration? Let’s find out…
Turbulence
Imagine the scene: It’s 8am. You’re showered and changed, fed and watered, your house is quiet and you’re just getting ready for a full day of writing. And then…
Your partner is running late for work. Your kids are yelling about something they can’t find. Your dog is barking because someone had the tenacity to walk past your house. Your cat decides now is exactly the right time to put a dead mouse in your shoe or — worse — a live one. In the space of five minutes, your concentration has been shot to pieces, your adrenaline and/or cortisol is through the roof, and your creative muse shut the door behind them on their way out.
It happens to us all, more often than we’d like and definitely more often than we admit to on social media.
Fact: There is no optimal time / place / way to write.
I do my best writing — or, at least, I feel happiest and most productive — when I’m in my office, at my desk, with complete silence and an empty house. And a cuppa. If I’m lucky, I get two days a week like this. But it’s just not always possible.
This year, I’ve dealt with fresh bereavement, long standing grief, health issues (mine and others), unexpected commitments, cancelled plans, and everything in between. It’s hard not to feel like the world is conspiring against you, either stopping you from writing as you want, or preventing you from writing at all.
For example: Yesterday, I wrote in my pyjamas, sitting on the sofa with the laptop on the coffee table, because I had a horrible head cold. I managed five chapter summaries when I wanted to do ten, and was thoroughly grumpy. Today, I’m still on the sofa, but at least I’ve showered and dressed, mostly because I pushed myself almost to breaking point trying to be well enough to go on the archaeological dig, then cried my eyes out when I realised I was too unwell to go. So now I’m writing this substack instead.
The important thing is to keep writing, but be cognisant of what you are able to achieve without making yourself (or anyone around you) stressed, unwell, or unhappy.
I’d rather write for five minutes than none.
I’d rather journal and see if something creeps out of the creative woodwork than sit and stare at an empty screen.
And if I really can’t write, I’ll read. Whether I find inspiration or just entertainment, being immersed in a story will make me feel better.
Solution: Write where / when / how you can. Ignore what everyone else does if it doesn’t work for you. Every word you put on the page counts.
Uncertainty
Sometimes turbulence leads to uncertainty, and sometimes uncertainty appears alone. You’d think, after spending over a decade as a project manager, that I’d be good at dealing with uncertainty. And I am, but only when it’s about something I can easily compartmentalise, or forget about at the end of the working day.
When it’s uncertainty about something that affects me deeply, it’s a whole other kettle of fish. Uncertainty, whether that’s not knowing exactly what to write next, waiting for feedback, or just having my plans change unexpectedly, has a massive impact on my ability to be creative.
Example: right now I’m debating which book should follow Anna 1 in the series. I have two options, both of which are compelling but for different reasons. I have my favourite, but also a niggling doubt that it might not be the right one. So, I’ve asked for other opinions. My first readers responded quickly, but my agent and editor are busy people and need more time. And that’s completely fine. But the uncertainty means I’m struggling to write anything else.
Fact: The only sure thing in life (apart from death and taxes) is change.
I read recently that most (anxiety over) uncertainty is caused by ‘open loops’, i.e. things that have not yet been resolved. We’re motivated to close loops so that we can get on with the next battle or, in my case, the next book. But when open loops can only be closed by someone else — or need someone else’s input to close them — the uncertainty in the situation can get the better of us.
Historically, I’ve ‘coped’ with this by productively micromanaging other things: a meal plan for the following week, placeholder grocery deliveries for a few weeks, or forecasting my finances for the next month. These are all valuable tasks that do need doing at some point, but I used to do them way in advance; essentially just procrastinating, but in a way that meant I still achieved something.
It wasn’t a great coping mechanism. Sooner or later I ran out of things to do, then the fake sense of control vanished into the ether, leaving me with a brain full of open loops, when it should have been filled with plots, subplots, characters and clues.
Now, I do things differently. I schedule everything, including when I’m allowed to worry about things. If I can see a calendar appointment for “Review synopses with Agent” on Friday, my brain accepts that that specific open loop will be closed soon, so it stops worrying about it and that allows the creativity to seep back in.
Solution: Try to reduce uncertainty / open loops where you can, but if not, schedule time to address them. Trying to ignore them only makes it worse!
Cut Yourself Some Slack
Regardless of what — or how much — we’re dealing with at any one time, there’s something else that’s always true.
Fact: We put ourselves under too much pressure to achieve, and give ourselves too little praise when we succeed.
It’s easy to keep adding to our to-do lists, to say yes when we should say no, or to over-commit when life is quiet (and we feel optimistic) only to regret it later when we’re figuratively wading through treacle and are unable to see a glass as half-full even if the contents are poured over our head.
I blame society… Be better, do more, have more! Climb the ladder, join the rat race! It doesn’t matter if that’s not what you want to do, do it anyway because everyone else will and then you’ll be left behind!
Utter drivel. It took me years, decades even, to realise just how stupid this approach is, to the point where that constant chase to satisfy everyone else — but never myself — made me physically ill.
The relief I felt when I stopped chasing a dream that wasn’t mind was palpable. I was able to step back, see things clearly and take stock of what I really wanted and who I really was. The moment those turbulent eddies stopped swirling, the moment I was able to close those open loops — that’s when I was able to see what I had achieved, but also what I was capable of achieving, if only I could stop doubting my own abilities.
Solution: Take stock — often — of what you have achieved. You are capable of so much, especially when you prioritise what matters to you and what makes you happy. And if, occasionally, a spinning plate drops to the floor and shatters, forgive yourself. We can have it all, but it’s difficult to have it all at the same time.
Now, I have a little bit of homework for you:
Take five minutes. It doesn’t have to be now, just at some point today. Slow down. Breathe. Think about something you’ve done today that was difficult, or you’d been putting off for ages, or simply didn’t think you’d be able to do. Acknowledge that you did it. Give yourself a little bit of praise, or maybe a treat. Feel that loop close and enjoy the moment. And, if you feel like it, do the same tomorrow.
Go and enjoy your moment.
But if you can’t relax until you know what’s coming next on Arsenic & Cold Case, then here it is:
15th Nov — Professional Headshots
1st Dec — Path to Publication 10: Signing the Contract
See you then!